Since I've had the girls, a few different people have invited me to secret "mommy groups" on Facebook. The purpose of these groups is to give support, encouragement, suggestions, etc. While a lot of that does happen, I can't help but notice that some of it erks {is that even a word??} me a little. Let me give you a little background...
The night before I went in for the c-section, my mom flew in and JD's parents drove up. We all went to dinner and while we were there chatting, my mom just blatantly said, "Ash. If breastfeeding doesn't work out, don't feel bad." I sort of brushed it off because HELLO! Of course breastfeeding was going to work. I was ready to be freaking super mom and nurse both at once all while standing on my head and eating Eggo waffles!! In all seriousness, I really thought it wasn't going to be that big of a deal and I was almost annoyed that she would say that.
Flash forward to nearly 48 hours later when my girls can't/won't suck and they both start to drop 12% of their birth weight. I literally was in tears when the nurses said they were going to have to feed the girls formula {gasp!!!!} in a bottle {ah!! noo!!}. I pumped like a freaking maniac so that they would at least be able to drink my milk, even if it had to be from a bottle. All the while I told myself that eventually we'd get it down and we'd ditch those stupid bottles.
To spare you from all the details, we really never "got it down" for many reasons. Perhaps I gave up too soon, but from where I was standing, breastfeeding just didn't work for us & it wasn't worth the tears that came along with trying. I ended up having enough milk to feed a litter of babies, but it just didn't come out "naturally." And while I have such a love/hate relationship with pumping and I am really looking forward to being done with it eventually, I know that it was the best decision for both the girls and me. That's not to say that I didn't beat myself up and cry many, many times over the whole ordeal. Almost every time though, I'd hear my mom in the back of my mind saying, "If breastfeeding doesn't work out, don't feel bad." Sure my girls are getting breast milk, but strapping your pump on while you prop your babies up in front of you and hold their bottles, is certainly not a standard situation. And you know what? I'm finally okay with it. I love making jokes about me and my best friend {the pump}, but when it comes down to it, I don't feel bad about the whole thing.
Back to these mommy groups… I'm in a group for moms of "multiples." One soon-to-be mom posted about how anxious she was about being able to tandem nurse and she wasn't sure if she would actually be able to do it. There were 30+ comments that all talked about "easy" it was and that it wasn't a big deal at all. I read every one of them and thought, "Man. If I had read this a few months ago I would have probably been in tears." They made it seem like it was the simplest thing in the world. And you know what? For some moms it is! And that is honestly amazing. I'd love if my next baby just "took to the nipple so naturally" in the hospital, the way so many describe it. But the two beautiful, happy babies I have now, didn't. And that's okay. And I'm glad I didn't have anyone {minus a few people in the hospital…one who actually said, "Your babies might think you're broken" --- wow} making me feel like I was some crap mom because of it. Of course I had to leave my two cents {shocker, I know} and I said something to the effect of, "It's amazing reading all of these breastfeeding success stories. Chances are that if this is your goal, you will probably be able to accomplish it. However, if it doesn't work out how you envisioned it, don't feel bad. Your babies will be happy whether they're breastfed from the source, a bottle, or formula fed."
The point is, as mothers, we are all different. We have different strengths, weaknesses, preferences and challenges. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I think it's a pretty cool thing that my body can provide food for my children, regardless of how conventional the process is or isn't. However, sometimes I think we wear certain "mommy things" as a badge of honor & if the next person can't "measure up," there's some sort of silent {or not silent} judgment passed. I remember when I was getting ready to have the girls and someone asked if I was having a c-section. When I said that I was planning on it, they responded with…"I'll be praying that you don't have to!" WHAT?!? I had to laugh about it because I had actually elected to do a c-section. I realize it's a serious surgery, but I have to admit that it was a little bothersome that someone would be apologetic about the way I'm delivering my babies.
It's so strange that so many people - and even strangers - are concerned about what you feed your children, or how you deliver YOUR babies. I think I'd rather die than have a natural, unmedicated birth, but if YOU choose to do so, I may tell you that you're amazing and that I could never do it, but I certainly would never say…"Oh man, I'm sorry. I'll pray that you don't have to go through with it." Same story for feeding methods. If you want to nurse & it works for you, great! If you want to use formula, great! It's YOUR child. Not only does it have zero effect on me, but who am I to have any kind of say in how you choose to parent.
I hope I'm not the only one who sometimes thinks, "I have no idea what I'm doing!" As women, we're all sort of in the same boat. When we celebrate one another's differences and strengths, we're better for it. I feel empowered when I'm surrounded by moms who encourage and give support and validation to the different struggles and successes we experience. I'm lucky enough to have a really large community of women who do celebrate one another, but I think it happens all too often that we let each other feel defeat instead of buoying each other up. Even though I could tell some funny "judgy" stories, I honestly feel grateful that I've experienced them because they make me more aware of how my words can affect others positively and negatively.
I read a quote the other day that I feel like fits this topic perfectly…"There is no way to be a perfect mother, but there's a million ways to be a good one." Motherhood is beautiful because it can be customized to fit each one of us and our children so personally. I'm not a perfect mom, but I'm trying to be a good one, and I have a funny feeling that there are a few other people out there that feel the same way. ;)
It's so strange that so many people - and even strangers - are concerned about what you feed your children, or how you deliver YOUR babies. I think I'd rather die than have a natural, unmedicated birth, but if YOU choose to do so, I may tell you that you're amazing and that I could never do it, but I certainly would never say…"Oh man, I'm sorry. I'll pray that you don't have to go through with it." Same story for feeding methods. If you want to nurse & it works for you, great! If you want to use formula, great! It's YOUR child. Not only does it have zero effect on me, but who am I to have any kind of say in how you choose to parent.
I hope I'm not the only one who sometimes thinks, "I have no idea what I'm doing!" As women, we're all sort of in the same boat. When we celebrate one another's differences and strengths, we're better for it. I feel empowered when I'm surrounded by moms who encourage and give support and validation to the different struggles and successes we experience. I'm lucky enough to have a really large community of women who do celebrate one another, but I think it happens all too often that we let each other feel defeat instead of buoying each other up. Even though I could tell some funny "judgy" stories, I honestly feel grateful that I've experienced them because they make me more aware of how my words can affect others positively and negatively.
I read a quote the other day that I feel like fits this topic perfectly…"There is no way to be a perfect mother, but there's a million ways to be a good one." Motherhood is beautiful because it can be customized to fit each one of us and our children so personally. I'm not a perfect mom, but I'm trying to be a good one, and I have a funny feeling that there are a few other people out there that feel the same way. ;)
4 comments:
I totally remember feeling the same way. Luke was tongue tied and at first, they refused to clip it. It made nursing so painful and eventually he could only eat from bottles. But before that, I remember sitting on the couch sobbing because he was hungry and I just couldn't nurse him again. My mom said "you know you don't have to nurse him. You can pump and bottle feed or just give him formula. You don't have to do this if you don't want to". And man. The freedom and relief that comment gave me! Moms are so great. Fortunately once we got his tongue clipped, everything worked out.
I don't know if it was me that said I would be praying for no c-section for you, but I can see myself saying something like that. So in case it was me, totally sorry if that offended you. I, in no means, was saying that because I think c-sections are terrible or not the "right" way to do things or judging you. I was saying it because my mother and a lot of close friends had such hard recoveries from c-sections and I didn't want you to have a hard time since you were having twins! Trust me...I'm about as far as you can get from being a "right" mother. My son wears disposable diapers, he was in a stroller instead of a sling, he started having formula instead of breast milk at 9 months, and I never co-slept. A lot of people made me feel bad about those decisions, so I'm sorry I may have done the same to you. I truly was just thinking of you having to take care of those babies and did not want you to have the c-section recoveries my friends have had.
I absolutely LOVE this post! I have two kids, 3 1/2 years apart, and felt immense pressure to breadfeed both of them. I work full time, and have ever since my first was 6 weeks old, so I mainly pumped and they ate from bottles. My first never had formula and was able to have breastmilk until she was 14 months but, for several reasons, I stopped pumping and switched to formula when my youngest was 8 months. At first I felt completely guilty about this. I have since come to terms with it and now feel bad about struggling so much to continue breastfeeding with my first. Isn't it terrible that, as moms, we put so much pressure on certain things and make others feel like "bad" parents for not doing these things? You're right - "When we celebrate one another's differences and strengths, we're better for it."
Keep being the wonderful mom that you are, and doing what works best for you and your little family!
Well said! I had 4 kids and after the nightmare I went through with the first two trying to get them to nurse, I didn't even try with the last two. Bottle fed babies are healthy too and sometimes things just don't work out the way we hope, whether its a lazy eater for a baby or whatever. Don't guilt yourself or let others guilt you into thinking you are doing something wrong. You are the only one who has mother intuitions for your own baby/babies. You are doing great and your babies are edible!!!
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