I posted a picture on Instagram this morning and it had without a doubt, the longest caption I've ever written. I still didn't quite get all my thoughts out though, so consider this an appendage to that post. If you didn't see it, here's what I originally wrote: "I'm sorry I post so many bump pics, but here's the thing - my pregnancy has been easy. Yeah, I said it. The worst side effect is that my body aches all day, every day and that my doctor wants me off my feet. However, one of the things I've struggled with most is the body changing and realizing it may never be coming back. For whatever vain, selfish reason it has been really hard to watch that scale go up exponentially and see my thighs, stomach, and cheeks do the same. It's an every day effort to remind myself that it's just the way it is. Then I turn to the side and remember that even though I may not be "me" pre babies again, this is a really precious time with my girls and that bump that just keeps getting bigger and bigger is carting around two of the biggest blessings JD and I have ever had the privelege of receiving. Womanhood comes with a lot of challenges, but it also brings a lot of gifts too. This bump happens to remind me of mine."
I hesitated to post all of that. You never know how people are going to read into things or what they're going to think, but I hit the 'share' button because I thought, "There is no way I can possibly be the only pregnant woman to have felt this way." I'm not the first person to have grown a baby (or two!) in my stomach and I certainly won't be the last. And yet, I feel like I never hear anyone I actually know really talk about it. I see all those "post baby body campaigns" and think, "Geez those ladies are brave." I'm never going to get there, let's be real. But I admire them for coming out and talking about it, because it reminds me that I'm not alone in all of these feelings.
I used to joke about how I wasn't the "nurturing type." You know how everyone says women are born with this innate ability to love and to nurture and be all sweet and stare at babies with googly eyes? I swore that was NEVER me. I hated babysitting with a passion, I'd never ask to hold your kid at church, and to be honest... If you were under the age of 8 I probably didn't really even want to entertain the idea of spending time with you (yikes! So bad, huh!). It worried me for a lot of years. I was so scared I was going to be the worst mom ever.
Something changes over the course of time, though. In fact, I think in a lot of ways this entire experience has really forced me to look and think through a different lens. Last night I sat down and read a few picture books to the girls, and afterwards they were a little hyperactive. I sat there laughing to myself because I had no idea an alphabet book could envoke so much excitement, and I realized in that moment that this is what it's all about. I think motherhood happens long before your kids come, and even before you ever coneive. There's so much that goes into the training and preparation. I bet if we all thought long enough about our lives, we'd see so many paths that were laid down simply to prepare us for our lives as mothers one day.
Being a teacher was hands down the best job I've had in my life up to this point. I took a lot of pride in that title. I loved going to work every day and I love, love, loved all of my students. That didn't mean I was free of hard days or venting sessions, but i did always feel fulfilled, even on my most stressful days. I think what would bring that sense of loving were the little moments - those moments where someone leaves a sweet note on your desk ( I could probably tear up at some of the things I received over the years), or when one of them makes you laugh your head off at something so ridiculous that you can't wait to get in the car to call your husband about, and best of all...when that kid that's been struggling for so long finally has a lightbulb go off for the first time. It was always the little things that made the hard things not only easier, but even enjoyable.
I think that entire experience really prepared me for motherhood. Yes there are days where I look in the mirror and think, "Who the crap is this person?!" And then I feel that little kick and all of a sudden, I realize that the person I'm looking at is so much more than a big bellly with veins running a through it. That belly is something to be celebrated and that person is a mother to two little precious spirits. We picked them and they picked us. There aren't a lot of things in this life that are more beautiful than that. And while I'm sure those "hard days" are really not even here yet, I find a lot of comfort in knowing that they're ours, and we're theirs for forever. That knowledge will be that "little moment" that makes the hard things, easy.
I wish we'd talk about these things more. I think it's important that women share with each other all of our feelings, embarrassing or not. I find a lot of strength when I get to hear other women's stories and emotions and I'm reminded that we're all in this together. It really does take a village. In church yesterday we all stood up to sing "I feel my Savior's Love" and as I looked around at all of the people on my congregation, I couldn't help but feel so much joy and gratitude. JD and I aren't in this alone. We're surrounded with a wealth of people who have been there and can appreciate the good and rough times. We have incredible families who already love these girls, maybe even almost as much as we do. And most of all, we have a loving Heavenly Father and Savior who know these two little girls inside and out. Maybe even more importantly, they know me and they know exactly who I am, with or without this belly. They know my capabilities, my strengths, my flaws... And they love me anyway. I think when we put aside all the dumb little insecurities, we can exemplify that love to others, including our children. And that my friends, is what makes this all worth it. To feel and to give love is what life is all about.
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