A post I thought I'd never write.

When these photos were taken, these two were just shy of 11 months.  Now they're only 17(!!) days away from having their 1st birthday.  I'm still trying to wrap my ahead around where in the heck the last   348 days went.  Our little angels have been in our lives for almost one year {although it feels like so much longer} and so has something else…my pump! 

If you've had a conversation with me in the last year, you've heard me talk about my pump {it just occurs to me that I might as well have given it a name, we've spent so much time together} at least 8+ times.  Seriously.  Our first two weeks together were h*#$.  I nearly broke into tears every time I turned the dial and started to hear that awful noise it makes.  It hurt like crazy for a good month or two and then somewhere along the line, we turned a corner and it just became a part of life.  If the girls were eating, I was pumping {at my peak, I was pumping for 4.5 hours a day total}.  Even though it was "the norm," that didn't make it any more convenient.  I hated it the most when we were on vacations and I'd have to leave whatever was happening to go dump.  I also had to be at home A LOT on any given day.  Any road trip, or even day trip away from home, resulted in a good hour of hand pumping {and lots of hand cramps} every 3 or so hours.  It was never convenient, but it just felt like the right decision for our family {and it was free!}. 

My goal was always 6 months.  Then we made it & I told myself at any point after that, I could stop whenever I felt like it.  I described it to JD like running on a treadmill.  The first mile SUCKS.  BAD.  And then the second mile still kind of stinks, but you're starting to cruise a bit more.  By mile 3, you're in your groove and you feel like you can probably go a little longer.  By mile 4, you're like, "Freak!  I've already done 4.  Might as well go for 5!"  That's exactly how pumping felt to me.  {Sidenote: I can't relate to anything past 5 miles, because I've never done more than that!}  Once I got into the groove, whether I liked it or not, it just became a part of my day.  Of course there were times I hated it more than others, but it sort of started to define me.  I'd tell JD that I hoped that I'd just dry up randomly so that I wouldn't have to make the decision on my own to stop.

I feel like I wrote a post about letting my career {teaching} define me, a while back & how once it was finally over, it felt SO weird because that was just who I was.  Whether good or bad, that's sort of what pumping became for me.  When you're pumping 60 oz a day, it's hard to not let that define you.  "Call me Bessy!" I'd say.  When we'd drive by a herd of cows, I'd give them a fist bump and call them "my people."  I'm not saying it's right, but I am saying that's just how things were.

I've slowly been weaning off my pump since August, in hopes that I would be fully done by their first birthday.  We went to New York two weekends ago and so I decided to make the big drop… to only pump in the morning and then once before bed {they're taking four bottles a day, so two are breast milk and two are now formula}.  The first few days were a little painful, and it's taken about 2 weeks, but my supply has pretty much plummeted.  As of this morning, I have no "reserve" in the fridge and I barely made enough for their next bottle.  I wasn't even very full when I woke up this morning.  It was a weird feeling.  Actually, for the past two weeks, I've been feeling so strange about it all being over.  I thought I'd be running laps around the neighborhood singing the Hallelujah chorus at this point, but instead I'm honestly feeling a little torn up about it.  My reaction to it all has been so strange to me.  I know lots of women feel sad when they're done nursing, but I didn't think I'd really have that because so much of nursing is being able to feel that bond with your baby.  With pumping, there's no physical connection.  In fact, I'm nearly positive that my girls have NO idea that their food even comes from me.    Pumping can feel pretty lonely sometimes.  That being said, I wouldn't change our situation for the world.  It has worked better for us than any other option.  I guess I just thought I'd feel a sense of relief at the end of all of this.  Instead, it's almost like I feel like something is being taken away from me.  The fact that actually typing that out, makes me tear up a little is SO crazy and weird.  I mean, I've spent the last 348 days waiting for this moment.  And now that it's here, I'm feeling pretty sad that this chapter is closing.